Saturday, April 16, 2011

self induced anesthesia

Unable to face myself in absolute stilness and silence for quite sometime, i decided to become the observer (although it now seems like this was many lifetimes ago). my mind reels with a nauseating dizzyness that is unknown to me. it is at this phase that i believe lonliness becomes the hardest thing to accept. Everything and everyone acquires a limitation which cannot satisfy the hunger within. The more i think of finding a solution or somehow ending this exhausting search, the more futile such an excersice seems. This is existentialism in full swing. i have been very much self absorbed. it had been fun at first, but with time i have understood that just like everything else - imagination, ideas and thoughts too are objects, subtle objects. this experiment has gone like i expected, but it has changed my perspective and changed me in many ways. i am now aware of possibilities that are unavailable inside my container. Then again there is my lower node or my instinctual self which makes me a human less than a human. overcoming myself in this aspect will be my next endeavour. This is a journey that is entirely within, it can also, no doubt, be an expression of a tired or a wanting mind, or a symptom of some psychological illness. But then in this world, what isn't. One thing however is clear, we are what we believe we are, and there is no turning back. I am writing this for myself as a memoir beside having expectations of finding co-travellers on the same journey.

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